Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Who chose this font
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.