Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.