If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale