DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya