I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”