her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
jesus christ confetti not now
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.