Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
You Might Also Like
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.