[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes