this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Worth the read.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.