Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
water it, i dare you
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I can’t stop watching this.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.