I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood