I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Breaking news:
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
yeah not falling for this one
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong