Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
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If a snake ate a cake
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
for all #parents out there
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers