Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months