A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.