“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns