“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
A wise man once said nothing.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”