No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
This bar smells like my childhood.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I had to Stop for this