My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Good dog. ❤️
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife