The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week