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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Just got to our Airbnb!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it