me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.