Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it