Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
You Might Also Like
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
giddy up Office Depot
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Stop sending me this shit.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.