If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.