*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS