When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
How actors in movies eat their food
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”