[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.