My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”