GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
see you in hell you stupid fruit
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.