Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner