I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.