Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Bike is short for Bichael.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs