Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
You Might Also Like
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.