[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?