*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Spring of Deception
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Welcome
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…