toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
😏😏😏
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵