I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You Might Also Like
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Not helping
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.