Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking