Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.