him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*3.5 thank you very much.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”