Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Oceanography is all about current events
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.