I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.