DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“you changed” bro i was 15
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.