Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
NASA has no chill
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair