My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]