*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You Might Also Like
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth