Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.