If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
somebody come look at this
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.