Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
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I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.